Spare the rod but don’t spoil the child

Oishee Rahman, a teenager, has been sentenced to death by Dhaka speedy Trial Tribunal-3 recently finding her guilty of killing her parents. Oishee’s father Mahfuzur Rahman was an inspector of Special Branch of Police and mother Swapna a housewife. Before brutally slaughtering the parents Oishee sedated both of them. The murder no doubt was grisly and gruesome and never before in Bangladesh has a daughter murdered her both parents in this manner. The court termed Oishee as an ‘adult’ when she killed her parents and said there was no scope for considering her as minor. The case of Oishee reminds me of a Bolywood blockbuster  Raj Kapoor movie ‘Bobby’ made in the seventies (1973) where Raj Kapoor gave first major role to his son Rishi Kapoor and Dimple Kapadia making her first screen debut. Though the movie is all about teenage romance the plot highlights what may go wrong to a child when the parents do not have time for their children. There are many such movies made in Bollywood (Sharabi) where the role of parents in raising their child is highlighted.

In any society parents role do not end with just giving birth to a child, it goes much beyond. There is a common saying which says ‘spare the rod and spoil the child.’ It is said that the phrase is quoted from the Christian Bible but some would like to say it does not appear there but it was first written in a poem by Samuel Butler in 1664. However corporal punishment is strongly recommended in the Hebrew Scriptures (Old Testament). In one of the phrase it says “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.” (Prov 19:18). There are many versions of this phrase but the spirit of the phrase is discipline your child at the right time otherwise the child may not grow up as a responsible person. His or her behaviour may not only hurt the parents but the society in general. Today corporal punishment in most countries, including Bangladesh is banned but there are other ways to discipline a child while the child is growing up.

Unfortunately many parents, especially those considered as ‘urban elites’ erroneously think that their responsibility ends with just sending their children to a hi-fi English medium school, paying a hefty fee. In this so called schools speaking ‘Bangla’ on campus is considered a sin and they claim that their curriculum is designed as per some English speaking country’s curriculum disregarding the history and heritage of Bangladesh. Once I asked few basic questions to one such school child who as expected was not only ignorant about anything about Bangladesh but was proud enough to declare that once he passes his school exams (presumably ‘O’ and ‘A’ level) his parents will send him away from this ‘dirty, stinking and overcrowded  Bangladesh’!  The government has no or little control on these so called schools. On the other hand, every morning one can see mothers sitting on side walks in front of some schools waiting to take home their children after the school is over. But many of them are not aware that such a gesture may be good but is not enough to raise a child to become a responsible son or daughter or a citizen. Children are like soft clay. They need good moulding, grooming and nurturing which many parents fail to realise. In families where both parents are working they hardly find any time for their children, not even on weekends. I have one child who now teaches at a public university. When she was growing up we discussed everything from history to movies and politics while having our dinner together. It was customary to have dinner and weekend lunches together. Now my niece, who would be graduating from Dhaka University soon, lives with me. In the meantime my daughter has been married and lives with her in-laws making frequent visits to our house.  My daughter has been replaced by my niece and we keep on doing the same thing. I learnt this from my parents, specially having dinner together. Both my parents came from a very humble background but knew exactly how to discipline their children. Our mother, who is in her nineties now, was a strict disciplinarian when it came to home affairs. We could never stay out after the sunset and had to go to the study table right after the Maghreb prayer. Dinner was at nine. Then off to bed. I was sent to an old missionary school (St. Placid’s High School, Chittagong-Established 1853) and the discipline in the school was total. No long nails, no sideburns and no unpolished shoes. Coming late to school was considered an unpardonable offence and in my days corporal punishment was not uncommon. But what made the students adhere to the school discipline is the strict vigilance of the school teachers, many of them priests and the culture of discipline at home. Many of these are absent today in our society.

Oishee was put in a Bangla medium school which happens to be one of the best in Dhaka, not only for its results in public examinations but also for the discipline it managed to establish on its campus. Few years back I had a student from this school in my class. His father was a simple school teacher. He came to study in a private university and because of his extraordinary result in his written examination he was allowed to study free in this university. His academic record at the university was impeccable and was a recipient of Gold Medal at the convocation. Currently he works for a big multi-national Bank in New York. He was never a smart kid in conventional terms, could not afford to have a decent shirt or a pair of shoes but outsmarted everyone at the end of the day. Oishee was not happy with this school’s discipline and convinced her parents to transfer her to one of the ‘elite’ schools of the city where life was much easy and fast and drugs were available from friends and school mates. She found herself amidst a group of ‘smart kids,’ thanks to the generosity of her parents. Such indulgence received from parents is enough to destroy any child’s future and that is exactly what has happened to Oishee. Oishee’s parents tried to discipline her but she would not take much of it. After the murder she surrendered to police and confessed in the court that she killed her parents as they went too far in disciplining her. May be the first fatal mistake Oishee’s parents made was her transferring from her first school to another as her former school’s policy was to have strict discipline on campus was  not liked by Oishee. Oishee’s parents paid dearly for their mistake. For what has happened to Oishee she alone is NOT responsible. The society in general and the parents in particular has to bear bulk of the responsibility. It is collective failure of the society that has allowed a teenage girl Oishee to become the killer of her parents. If we look around there are many potential Oishee’s amidst us waiting to do something like what Oishee did.

How do we get out from here? A good way is let parents spend more time with their children. Many of us do not realise that our children could be our best friend. My daughter when she was studying at the university would regularly share with me what has happened or not happened at the university. One day as I was busy with something I was doing asked her not to disturb me as I was busy. She politely told me whom does she talk to if she cannot talk to me? I told her I am sorry and since then I am never busy when my daughter wants to share something with me. During my regular travels abroad she calls me at least once a day to remind me of my medication. Children nurtured properly during their early life can behave like angels when they grow up. If they behave like Oishee then something was not right in their early life. Sometimes I am appalled when I see a school going kid carrying an expensive smart phone in their pocket. Kids may need a cell phone but why does that have to be an expensive smart phone? Often I walk inside the Dhanmondi lake area during the day time. I am amazed sometimes by the presence of the school kids in uniform here during their school hours. This is a common sight in Ramna Park, Shurawardi Uddyan and Gulshan Lake Park. How many parents or school authorities care about this? School children should never be allowed in public parks during the school hours.

There are debates whether a teenager like Oishee should be sentenced to death for killing her parents. During the delivery of judgment the judge said ‘if such an offender is given minor punishment instead of the death penalty, such crimes will increase’. Oishee can file an appeal with the high court within 30 days after receiving a copy of the judgment which she would presumably do. But the incidents like the one Oishee committed will not stop unless the parents are careful as to how their children are being brought up, how much time they spend with them and how the society shapes the future of our children. Let Oishee type juvenile crime stop with Oishee. We want Oishee’s for whom the nation will be proud of and not hide their faces in shame. Let all parents spare the rod but take care not to spoil the child.

Source: http://www.daily-sun.com/printversion/details/94560/Spare-the-rod-but-don%E2%80%99t-spoil-the-child